I wrote this song about a year and a half ago. It was mainly written for a pastor friend of mine, several years older than myself. He did not currently have a job as a pastor, and was feeling a bit underused, if I can use that term. We've all been there, though maybe not to that extreme. "God, what are you up to? This seems completely backwards to the direction you've been leading me for so long." But, it is okay to wrestle with God. The psalmists did all the time. This song focuses partially on the imagery of Jacob's wrestling match, but I hope there is truth in it as well. It definitely gives me a way to express my lack of understanding. But, our lack of understanding does not go hand in hand with a lack of faith, nor is it supposed to. Great men and women of faith wrestle with God's ways all the time. That gives me hope!
The older I get, the less that I understand
With the exception of my brokenness
Is that all we hold at the end of this race?
Don't get me wrong: I'm aware I need Your grace
But, didn't you tell me I'm worth more than my mistakes?
Help me cling to the truth when there's so much that I don't know
Let me wrestle with You, though I can never gain control
I won't let go 'til You speak peace over my soul and make me new
Daybreak's coming soon
Does a lack of faith make one feel this way?
Or does a mustard seed spark the questioning?
Are You the Contender that can handle all of me
In my defense, this is who You made me to be:
Just a restless wanderer searching for a greater aim
I'm done assuming
And holding on to my conclusions
I won't walk away from what You choose to not explain and
I'll fight for the faith it takes
To know I may never know
My name is complicated. My parents named me Theresa. My friends call me "Pinky." My professional title is "Ms. Lindell." Choose one.